I feel like I should have been told, they must have known about this, but apparently nobody bothered to fill me in. I don’t know, maybe it’s a big secret. Maybe if everyone knew, they’d think twice about starting a vegan diet. I’m hear to tell you a ‘dirty’ little vegan secret. Vegan’s make monster poops!
Trigger Warning! I’m about to talk about my poop. If you have a weak stomach, go watch a video about the cutest bunny in the world on youtube.com.
So, this afternoon… right after lunch, I decided to take a quick bathroom break. I know I have to go, but it’s not like it’s an emergency or anything. I hit the stall, take what feels like a normal poop and I flush. I hear a strange clunk sound, but think nothing of it. This is where the story starts to go south.
I’m almost ready to stand up, and I realize I still have to go. I poop again. For what seems like a normal amount of time, for what felt like a normal amount of poop. Then, as I wipe, I think I feel something touching the toilet paper. Again, I think nothing of it.
I flush again and I stand up. Thank GOD I turned around.
OMG! What the fuck! How in the fuck did that come out of me? I have a normal sized asshole. I mean, I have nothing to compare it to, but I have what I believe is a normal sized asshole, but what I saw in that toilet was… well… it was unnatural.
Q: Was it the size of a hotdog?
A: No, think bigger.
Q: Was it the size of a sausage?
A: No, think even bigger.
Q: Was it the size of a potato?
A: No, think bigger still.
Q: WT actual fuck? How big could one turd be?
Now, let me just say this. I had more than a couple of thoughts when I saw this turd I had birthed.
1.) Did I just shit out my liver?
2.) Did I lose track of time and have I been shitting for a couple of days in a row?
3.) Should I take a picture? (To show my doctor should they ask when I’m diagnosed with some giant shit producing disease I’ve apparently been stricken with.)
4.) Is Ashton Kutcher sitting in the stall next to me and have I just been in episode of Punke’d?
5.) Seriously, did I just shit out my liver?
6.) If I can’t flush this fucker, do I have to give it a name and take it home?
7.) If I can’t flush this fucker, do I need to quit and find a new job?
8.) Is that corn? Did I eat corn this week?
9.) How can you tell if your liver is missing?
The ease was unnerving, but the speed was the real mystery. How can someone shit that much in such a short amount of time? I was honestly only in the bathroom for a quick bathroom break. It felt like a little turd to be honest. It felt like your average little turd, but it was piled so high I was amazed I didn’t stick my fist in the giant turd when I wiped my ass.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been so shocking if it felt like I was passing a giant turd. If I struggled to expel this monster from my bowels, maybe I wouldn’t have been so taken aback.
So, in the end, I’ve come away with three life lessons.
A: Never underestimate the power if fiber.
B: Never walk away from a toilet before taking one quick look… to see if you’ve lost your liver.
C: Teddy. If I was forced to take him home, I’d name my giant turd baby Teddy. Teddy the Turd.
#VeganPoo2K16 #FreeTeddy2K16
Fallen Vegan 