Why quitting meat was the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done.

First, let me remind everybody that this blog is called FALLEN vegan.

I fell hard last week. I had a chicken breast. Well, a whole chicken breast, so two tits. Not giant breasts, maybe a B cup. I grilled them on an Ikea grill pan, served it with half an avocado, a crusty piece of French bread, and a side salad with cherry tomatoes. (No dressing because, well, I’m on a diet. LMFAO!)

I don’t know why, but after a month of not eating meat, taking my first bite made me nervous. I took a pinch of chicken that fell off the breast while grilling and CAREFULLY put it to my lips. I’ve eaten meat my entire life, but I was nervous when eating this chicken. That tells me my psychological perception of meat has changed. That’s good, right?

It was delish, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I imagined it to be this fantastic, amazing, mind blowing food I was denying myself, but it wasn’t. It was good, very tasty, but not what I remembered. How can food perception change so much in a month?

The next morning, and there will be people who will say I’m exaggerating, but I promise I’m not, the next morning I woke up feeling puffy, tired, almost drugged. I honestly felt like I’d been drinking the night before. WTF?!

Oh, and I had my meal with a regular Coke. Not diet Coke, not some pure cane sugar, semi-healthy alternative. Coke. The Real Thing. I know, fuck that diet. Fuck it hard, fuck it all angry and shit. Fuck it like I caught it cheating with my best friend.

It’s been a few days since I ate the chicken. Since that meal, I’ve found myself pinning images of fluffy chickens. (aka guilt pins) I’ve also gone back to an almost exclusively vegan diet.

Almost. I had tzatziki sauce with my falafels last night.

That was fine, because I made a choice to eat some dairy, but then I noticed, after the meal, the pita bread had honey. Why? Why did you feel the need to sneak bee puke into my meal you crazy pita bread company? I bought your bread because the entire pack was 99 cents. Don’t make me buy a more expensive brand just to avoid your honey. Seriously. Please. Why can’t you be vegan AND cheap?

Most importantly, since that meal, I’ve realized I don’t miss meat nearly as much as I imagined. I miss the idea* of eating meat, but not the meat itself. I guess it’s true that if you do something for a month, it becomes a habit.

I’m not a quitter, but I’m working on it!

*An aside note, I just found out A1 sauce is vegan. OMG! I think I should buy stock in Kraft because I’m going to become an uber consumer of their product. Is it wrong to put A1 on a tomato and cucumber salad? How about A1 on toast? How about A1 on EVERYTHING!

Does Amazon deliver A1 by the case? Does Amazon Prime deliver A1 by the case, cause I need that sauce pronto. A1… it’s not just for steak.

You know those folks who carry around Sriracha on a key chain. Do they have itty-bitty A1 key chains? Can you gain weight eating too much A1?

I’ll report back next week and let you know.

I’m Lacto-Vegetarian On My Cheat Day

Yesterday I was 100% vegan! Yay! I had chips and a diet A&W Root Beer for breakfast. I know, bad choice but I was really hungry and way too lazy to cut up fruit. For lunch I tried some fake orange chicken… meh. It wasn’t the best fake chicken so I broke out a can of chili beans and some crackers. Shit, are crackers vegan? Now I’m not sure if I was 100% vegan or not. Being vegan is HARD! For dinner I had the BEST vegan burrito, no the BEST burrito full stop, I’ve had in my entire life. I also had some amazing guacamole that I felt needed a wee bit of salt, but I didn’t add it because I knew would have my fair share of salt today.

Today I’ll be lacto-vegetarian, because tonight is pizza!

It’s Father’s day and I’m having pizza at my brother’s place. That means tonight I’ll be facing the hardest challenge I’ve had since trying to go vegan. Bacon.

Now, I’ve almost completely stopped craving meat. Almost. I still sometimes experience those mysterious phantom smells of BBQ or sometimes meatloaf. So I assume that’s my brain trying to get me to eat meat again.

I don’t think I’ll be able to skip the bacon without some type of cheat. I think, I hope, I pray, I can withstand the meat pressure if I have some cheese. If I was faced with eating a cheeseless pizza, I’d just cave and eat the bacon. I know, don’t bother telling me ’cause I already know, I’m weak.

Yes, I realize cheese isn’t vegan. Hence the name, Fallen Vegan. My goal is to try to eat a vegan diet at least 80-90% of the time, and have my cheat day be vegetarian. My belief is… if I make my cheats vegetarian, I won’t go back to being a full blown omnivore/carnivore.

That being said, I know bacon will be a real hurdle tonight. I’ll report back to let you know how the night went and to update you on the Bacon challenge. The struggle is real folks, the struggle is very real.

B- Because I really love you.
A- You’re Always on my mind.
C- I Can’t think of a C word…
O- I can Only make this rhyme.
N- Now it’s time to get back to the blog.

Holy shit, don’t ever let me write a song ever again.

#BaconStruggle2K16 #VeganPizza #LactoTolerante2K16

 

Secret Vegan Poo

I feel like I should have been told, they must have known about this, but apparently nobody bothered to fill me in. I don’t know, maybe it’s a big secret. Maybe if everyone knew, they’d think twice about starting a vegan diet. I’m hear to tell you a ‘dirty’ little vegan secret. Vegan’s make monster poops!

Trigger Warning! I’m about to talk about my poop. If you have a weak stomach, go watch a video about the cutest bunny in the world on youtube.com.

So, this afternoon… right after lunch, I decided to take a quick bathroom break. I know I have to go, but it’s not like it’s an emergency or anything. I hit the stall, take what feels like a normal poop and I flush. I hear a strange clunk sound, but think nothing of it. This is where the story starts to go south.

I’m almost ready to stand up, and I realize I still have to go. I poop again. For what seems like a normal amount of time, for what felt like a normal amount of poop. Then, as I wipe, I think I feel something touching the toilet paper. Again, I think nothing of it.

I flush again and I stand up. Thank GOD I turned around.

OMG! What the fuck! How in the fuck did that come out of me? I have a normal sized asshole. I mean, I have nothing to compare it to, but I have what I believe is a normal sized asshole, but what I saw in that toilet was… well… it was unnatural.

Q: Was it the size of a hotdog?
A: No, think bigger.

Q: Was it the size of a sausage?
A: No, think even bigger.

Q: Was it the size of a potato?
A: No, think bigger still.

Q: WT actual fuck? How big could one turd be?

Now, let me just say this. I had more than a couple of thoughts when I saw this turd I had birthed.

1.) Did I just shit out my liver?
2.) Did I lose track of time and have I been shitting for a couple of days in a row?
3.) Should I take a picture? (To show my doctor should they ask when I’m diagnosed with some giant shit producing disease I’ve apparently been stricken with.)
4.) Is Ashton Kutcher sitting in the stall next to me and have I just been in episode of Punke’d?
5.) Seriously, did I just shit out my liver?
6.) If I can’t flush this fucker, do I have to give it a name and take it home?
7.) If I can’t flush this fucker, do I need to quit and find a new job?
8.) Is that corn? Did I eat corn this week?
9.) How can you tell if your liver is missing?

The ease was unnerving, but the speed was the real mystery. How can someone shit that much in such a short amount of time? I was honestly only in the bathroom for a quick bathroom break. It felt like a little turd to be honest. It felt like your average little turd, but it was piled so high I was amazed I didn’t stick my fist in the giant turd when I wiped my ass.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so shocking if it felt like I was passing a giant turd. If I struggled to expel this monster from my bowels, maybe I wouldn’t have been so taken aback.

So, in the end, I’ve come away with three life lessons.

A: Never underestimate the power if fiber.
B: Never walk away from a toilet before taking one quick look… to see if you’ve lost your liver.
C: Teddy. If I was forced to take him home, I’d name my giant turd baby Teddy. Teddy the Turd.

#VeganPoo2K16 #FreeTeddy2K16

 

Drink Milk, ’cause it’s in everything!

Avoiding dairy is really hard!  It’s in my k-cups at work, in my frozen dinners, in my microwave popcorn, in the cheese flavoring in my chips… it’s everywhere! (Yes, I’m aware these are all bad foods anyway, but bear with me.)

Why you bein’ all up in my bizzzznass 24/7 you silly cow? #Cowspiricy2K16

However, knowing that I need to look for hidden milk in everything makes me look at labels in general, which is actually a good thing. I’m reading labels now, and I feel good about myself, and a little stupid too.

Stupid because I should already know what’s in the food I’m eating, right? How, or more aptly, why has reading labels suddenly become a ‘new journey’ and a learning experience? The real question is, why do I need to ‘learn’ what’s in my food? I thought I knew what was in my food just by looking at it. Silly stupid me!

DANG! I’m really starting to see why I’m so flippin’ fat! #bigFatCow2016

Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out if my YEAR of being a vegan will be in the year from the date I started trying to be vegan, or when I’ve made it 1 entire year eating vegan only food. I can’t decide. What would you do? What would you consider a year?

‘Cause if my year of being a vegan means I need to go an entire year without fucking up, I may be doing this for the rest of my life. I can’t seem to get past 3 days without eating some sort of dairy product. The only way I see around this problem is to only eat food that I personally cook.

That. Is. Impossible.

I mean, it’s impossible, right?

Oh, and I nearly lost my shit yesterday because I bought some Morning Star burgers and I thought they were vegan then I heard not all Morning Star burgers are vegan. FML, what’s in this now! Then I saw this… CONTAINS SOY, WHEAT, MILK AND EGG INGREDIENTS. These are pizza burgers. Do you know what that means to me? Pizza and a burger, in one. I haven’t even tried them yet, but I’m already saying I’ve fallen. I need to try this veggie but not vegan burger.

Fallen Vegan Counter: 0

This week, I guess I’m a vegetarian.

Being Vegan is Hard! #FallenVegan2K16